terrabm

    Hey gang.

    I'm going to be posting new fics to my new tumblr gotyourot3righthere.tumblr.com/

    Here you'll find the new Frozen/ROTG fanfic Emily and I have been plotting. Come on over and enjoy!

 Well I think a year is more than enough time to disappear off the planet without so much as a check in. I've debated heavily for months whether or not I really wanted to return to DA, as things in my life have simply changed so  much that I haven't had the time nor the energy to devote to it.
 
  Yet, part of me just does not want to let go. Yes I have two kids, a job, a house to maintain and a million other obligations that suck the life out of me and eat up most of my time. Long gone are the days of just sitting and writing for hours on end, and my art is nearly non-existent. It's impossible to sit and draw with toddlers pulling at your papers, trying to grab your pencils and otherwise whining, drooling or attempting to eat/comment on the "pretty mans" you are trying to draw. :/

  This winter, during a bout of crippling illness that affected everyone in the house, I did sit down for a week or two and work on a Hobbit fic. Doing that made me realize how much I still love and NEED to write, if only to keep that one part of me alive that is just FOR ME. Not a mommy thing, not a wife thing, certainly not anything to do with my shit-ass job or the rest of my pain in the ass family. JUST ME. (and Emily)

 So here I am. Can I promise you regular updates? NO. But I will try to be more active and at least post something twice a month. I feel like that is a do-able goal with two kids under 2. I have started a Lone Ranger fic for what it's worth, but it's going to take awhile to see progress on that one, as I am working my ass off for the next two weeks. Old unfinished stuff is being looked at, reevaluated and slated for work as well. Fall's coming, so I'll try to work on the usual gothic themed works for that like Dark Shadows or London Trio along side Lone Ranger.

Then December brings Hobbits...and oh the Bagginshield you shall have then.

You might also see some Star Trek, Dr. Who, BBC's Sherlock, maybe even Avengers. GASP! Something NOT Johnny Depp related? Well, variety is the spice of life, and for now I think I well have all of Johnny's bases covered. But he's always brewing up something new (as in an Alice in Wonderland sequel, and another musical "Into the Woods") so don't worry, there's always more to go around.

Holy shit. I have never been away from DA so long since I joined. Daaaaaamn.

   Well, all I can really say is that life came and kicked the crap out of me for many months. Let's face it, overall, 2012 was a HORRIBLE year, producing only one really good thing, that being my daughter Alana.
    I wish I could say that now that I am "back" of sorts that I will bombard you with chapter after chapter of glorious fanfic, or even (gasp) some fucking art (which I haven't touched in months either) but sadly that will not be the case for sometime yet. I'm still getting back on my feet mentally and emotionally, still battling depression. We are currently moving into our new house, and the girls are doing well.

  Hang in there, fans. I'll be back as soon as life and time allows.

  In the meantime...holy shit...I'm totally on a Hobbit binge. I can not help myself. I never in my wildest dreams thought I would find a way to slash that  movie, but so help me God....Thorin/Bilbo is just too damn cute. <3

So I vanished.

    This has been a very tumultuous and eventful month for me and mine. of course, as you know went jetting off to Japan at the beginning of the month. About three days after that I had a massive meltdown that ended in me being admitted to the hospital with preterm labor, which then became real labor. I went to the doctor for an appointment at 4. I was admitted for observation/treatment at 5:30. By 10:33, I was on an operating table, giving birth to my second daughter by C-Section.
    She was born almost 8 weeks premature, two more than my first. She weighed 3 lbs, 11 ounces, and was 16 inches long.
     Her name is Alana (pronounced A-LAWN-a) Faye.

     Currently she is residing in the NICU, the same way my first daughter did. She will be there for easily another 3 to 4 weeks, having already been there 3 as of tomorrow. I see her about once a day, as I have my daughter Natalie to care for at home and can not set up camp in the NICU as I did before. It has been very trying, on my husband and myself, but we are getting through it. Alana is mostly very healthy, she is just very premature, and there are plenty of complications that come with that alone. She is still receiving oxygen to help with her undeveloped lungs, she is unable to take a bottle or breastfeed and is still being feed through a tube. We are doing physical therapy with her once a week, which mostly just involves coaching her into certain fetal positions to help her muscles develop the way they would in the womb, and putting her on a head turning schedule to ensure that she does not have narrowed skull shape or any flat spots.

    The last three weeks have been a mixture of emotions with the ever present exhaustion of having our world turn around trying to spend as much time as we can with both our children. My two year old (birthday was the 14th!) has been going through...a rather unpleasant and ugly phase of being needy, mean, hyper active and uncooperative. Otherwise known as the terrible twos. After my unexpected delivery and consequential three day hospital stay, she has developed some separation anxiety which has dashed the months of work Kevin and I did trying to get her to go to bed alone, and be more independent, to utter shreds.  Very soon all four of us will be sleeping in the same room, I think. (sigh)

   On top of that, we have an impending move, which will columinate as of this coming March. Seems like a lot of time to get our shit together, yet I know it will be here before we know it, and the whole family will be dealing with the consequences of that.

   Our laptop died a few weeks ago as well---actually just the adapter--leaving us with only our phones to communicate with the outside world. Which is fine for somethings, but not things like writing, or DA, or really anything text heavy. Hence the very long silence.

    Not to mention prior to popping my baby cherry, my depression had gotten steadily worse, until it hit a new all time low the day I gave birth. I am still on my meds, and doing much better now that I am not swamped by insane hormones. So relieved about that aspect. And the meds also help me deal with the stress of having Alana not with me, though it far from takes the sadness and stress of it away. It feels so wrong to walk around with just Natalie and no trace of my other child. It's a very painful, empty feeling, knowing she is not in my arms where she should be.
   But hopefully she will be coming home mid-to-late October, and the family will be complete again. If Halloween brings my little one home to me, I will love the holiday even more.


    No promises as to when I will have a significant update for you here, although things are looking up with my mental state stabilizing and a wise decision of looking into daycare a few times of week for my oldest daughter. I feel confident enough to say that Depp Slash is far from dead, just hibernating.
  What can ya do? Life comes and bitch slaps you around and makes you prioritize.
   And after all this hell of the last four months, I have two beautiful girls to love.  So I'd say it came out alright in the end.

Wow.
   I have literally not looked at my DA page in over a month. D: That's shocking for a person who checks it everyday or at least a few times a week, even if she doesn't get around to doing much with it.
   
    Not going to be a long entry, not going to sugar coat anything either. I've been in hell for about a month or so, and I've been both physically, mentally, emotionally, ect. just...broken. I withdrew like hell, I did not give a shit about anything. I had multiple break downs and many days that I spent in total hysterics, unable to deal with my pregnancy, my child, my life or anything else. It finally reached a point about mid August where I seriously just couldn't keep going and contemplated the worst. That was the same moment I realized that all this help the doctors said I needed and all this medication they were forcing me on that I had been resisting like hell, was a truth I really didn't want to face. Now I had to.
  So over the past few weeks, between big birthdays, weddings, family events and other upheavals and changes intermixed with my ever growing body and ever going amount of doctor's appointments, I finally gave in to seeing a therapist. It didn't thrill me at first, and it's not fun having an anxiety attack just trying to GET there. But I've had about three sessions now, and at least one that really helped and a diagnosis that finally seemed to fit the actual problem. My pregnancy hormones, coupled with the extra hormones to help keep my baby from premature labor, and all the stress and PTS from my last pregnancy had simply thrown me into a mental tails spin and increased what had been a mild, manageable problem that I had simply dealt with all my life into this vortex of anxiety and repressed depression that just suddenly exploded in my face.
  So I'm on meds, and I'm seeing a therapist. I will be doing so for probably the next six months to maybe a year. Got to get through the pregnancy and the postpartum and see how I do from there. We have the added fun of moving on the venue as well, which will be happening, shit, any time between now and March. Our landlord is so fucking lovely. I would seriously like to punch him in the balls for his initial ultimatum of getting out by my due date. What a piece of shit. Luckily, the people who want to replace us aren't in a hurry so that bought us some time to shop around. And ease my stress, even if it's only a little.

   So that's what's been up with the silent treatment. I'm not yet fully back in the swing of things, but I do finally feel like I'm starting to get better. Emily came to visit this past week before she is swept off over the seas and provided a great deal of comfort and derpy friendship that I desperately needed, and I will miss her terribly when she is in Japan, but our derp shall resume!
My husband has been a huge help too and really supports me getting the help I need to get through this crappy stage.

  I wish I could say that at least through all this shit, I had been pouring my angst and darkness into some delicious conflict for our dear Depps, but honestly, my emotional instablity left me without even the will to look at my work. I'm slowly climbing back in the saddle, because I know I need that outlet to cope as I always have. But it, like everything else, is just going to take some time.